Man. Wil Wheaton gets around
I go through cycles of deciding that I will never have children, because I don’t want them to experience the heartache of living. If they’re anything like me, they’re in for a great deal of suffering.
It seems like consistently one of the last things I’m told when losing a lover is “I think you’re absolutely gorgeous and you have beautiful heart, but…”
I very rarely feel pretty. I often think when a boyfriend tells me that he’s just doing it out of both/either obligation/wishful thinking.
When someone tells me I’m beautiful, I always think yeah, at a distance or a glance maybe, but they need to take a closer look (oh but please don’t), and if they did, they would certainly retract that statement.
How many women feel the same way as me. I think the problem is not in my physical appearance. I think I feel ugly on the inside. Yes I have cellulite. Yes I have stretch marks. Yes I have ugly knees. Yes I have large hands. Yes I have a receding chin. Yes I have crooked teeth. Yes I have peeling, flimsy fingernails. Yes I have hair that grows on my toes. Yes my arms are not as slender and delicate as they should be – they’re bulky and muscular and a little flabby in my biceps, so that I’m afraid to wear sleeveless or short sleeve tops without a jacket. Yes my thighs touch when I stand with my legs together. But I don’t think any of these things would matter if I felt like I was a beautiful person on the inside. But I feel weak and selfish and wicked. Capable of truly horrible things. I am a liar. I am lazy and self-indulgent. I am disgustingly self-absorbed. Completely lacking in confidence and self-esteem, as I rightfully should be.
That is why the pain is so deep when I’m rejected. Because I’ve been trying to outrun rejection that I felt I deserved from the very beginning. I don’t want your pity. I just wanted to get this off my chest.
I’ll never be Audrey Hepburn 😞
Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.
—William Shakespeare (via ybb55)